2015 is coming

hello. koenichiwa my cherries or people who visited this kinda abandoned blog. I'm sorry I can't be hyperactive anymore. the old nirimin or cheerful blogger who used to write this simple-minded blog is gone. she might be here but she's so far away. 2014 has become so hard for me, for my country and maybe you people who is now reading this. I said in my previous post that I'm gonna leave rpw, didn't I ? I can't. I miss my friends' ass so much. I broke everything that I said. I'm such a failure to everyone. I don't care whether this post got so less views. (wait, whut) and then my story begins. I back. I said it. as always, I never stopped cheering up my girlfriend. like everytime. I'm so afraid to lose her. all days I spend with her is like heaven to me. and then, my birthday came. there is one thing that I never tell this to people. this is me. this thing that I'm going to say is the real me. the black-side of me. I am that kind of person who will ignore everything whether I feel good or bad. I mean, even when she texts me, I ignored her like so many times. I don't know why I didn't feel anything by ignoring her. I just feel nothing. I think I kinda lost my heart. I can't feel. why can't I cry over something stupid anymore. why can't I cry when I miss Nen, claire and andrew. these three creatures are like my mom, my dada, my bro, my sis, my gay partner, my everything. and then I asked myself again, "Why do I lost the care in my heart" care about them. everything about them. I can't cry over them anymore. I will close this story here. I don't want to talk about my humble relationship. I'm DONE. even though I know I will break it soon, but idc. my birthday, yes. my birthday is on christmas day. I know. a lot of people got what their want on their birthday. especially when is it on christmas day. but not me. I am a muslim tho and I can't celebrate christmas. but I do respect that day of what their celebrating. I got my present too actually. from my girlfriend. when first she said, "I hope you achieve or you got what you want of your last birthday wish" (or something kinda like that) when I first heard that, I feel like crying. not because of happy. because of hurt. that words hurt my feeling so much. I feel like my heart is being torn apart. I feel hurt. maybe I know why. because the wish that she said for my last birthday is the real love. I feel the love when she said everything. it was the best feeling I ever got. I cried. not teary eyes but teary heart. I feel lost. I feel no one gonna love me now. but dude, Birthday. no matter how bad or good, we surely will feel relieved right away. right. (wait. is it?) she send me some voice messages and I was really happy. even though I don't understand what she is saying. (sorry, babe) I cried again. and this time, the tears of happiness break my heart too. how I wish I can go there and hug you honey. I don't know if you're reading this babe, It has been such a long time since last time I freely confessed to you like I used to do, right. hehe. this embarrassing pain confession goes to my honey, nen or maybe u people who still reading my pain story here, (what) Nen, all things that I said in this post is all true. yes. this is how I feel. right from my kokoro. I know my words, my action hurts you like hell. I know. I'm sorry. Nen-ah, //holds your hand// thanks, thanks for everything. I love you. ahhh. finally. I said it. it has been an ages since last time I said I love you. I love you, honey. If you didn't pop out on 31th august, that day, I might as well died because of feeling lonely. thanks for becoming a part in my life. my humble life. I don't know to describe this. thanks for always taking my words; I mean, you believe in what I'm saying. I love you. idk how you still treat me like a friend when I ignored u too many times. I'm sorry. I'm such a failure to you. to everyone. and I can't be always there for you tho. I'm sorry again. and idk tho how you can stand a person like me. a person that always being so annoying, dramatic, gay and don't even know how to make a joke. (hating myself) too many things in my head that I want to tell you but it still stuck. honey-ah, soojung-ah, I don't mind how many times you hurt me. so that if I forget, I can go back and cry to you like I always do. if any other guy try to break your heart or those bitches try to bring you down, I'm here. whenever you feel lost, I'm here.// point at your heart// like u said, right. don't miss me and imagine I'm here beside you. I love you.